Faux no you didn't!

  Now I would like to discuss some items that cause me great pain whenever I encounter them while house hunting.  I know the intention is to convince the general public that these decorative applications are genuine, but I have no idea who believes it.  Worst of all, some of these are just as expensive as the real thing.  I have been assaulted by the existence of these "faux-No's" during many visits to various neighborhoods inside the loop.  In all of the fantastic homes I've shown there is usually a decorating mistake committed.   I caution you sellers to please steer clear of the following crimes of decor: 
1. FAUX FLOWERS AND TREES: (especially outside, horrific!).  No one buys it, and they're often dust collecting unrealistic imitations of something that's affordable.  Plus they're expensive! The "water" turns yellowish acrylic and everyone knows that real palm trees don't have fabric veins running down their leaves
2. FAUX ROOF SHINGLES: there is nothing natural looking about a multi-colored repeat-patterned heavy plastic faux cedar shake roof.  Once again, it's expensive and unless it's a two story house it's very distracting. These are often very durable but I'd prefer a sheet metal roof.
3. FAUX GRASS.  No.  Just please don't.
4. FAUX BRICKS: I'm not talking about pavers (I like Pavestone) I'm talking about the sheets of plastic shiding with molded brick. If you want your wall to look like a set for a high school play, this may be your answer!
5. FAUX CLOUD MURALS: Murals are an ancient artform, but only the Sistene Chapel is worthy of authentic faux clouds.  If you don't live in the sistene chapel but you want to see clouds daily, head outside.
6. FAUX MULCH: Most commonly seen in children's playgrounds, these "rubber chips" remind me of trash that will be stuck in your landscape.  My sister-in-law put it well when she said "the kids look like hampsters playing on that stuff"
7. FAUX MARBLE:  this might the worst crime on my list.  Whether it is linoleum counters or faux marble paint finishes, there is nothing noble about reproducing this stone.  Most of the time it is in very expensive houses. I always wonder, what are these rich people thinking?  If you can afford an expensive faux marble mural, then you can afford the real thing. And it looks soo much better.  Avoid the green color -- totally 80s.
8. EXPENSIVE LAMINATE FLOORING:  Laminate is what it is and should be for country properties and high traffic areas only.  Most of the time you could get the real thing (wood) for just as cheap and it's really much much classier.  When every single board of the laminate has the same knots and color variation or grooving, it doesn't look like wood to anyone.  Same goes for the "wood plank tile".

These are just some of my Faux-no turnoffs.  What someone chooses to do with their body is beyond the scope of this Realtor.  Just please, no eggplant colored eyebrow tattoos.
Bottom line is: keep it real.